STILL ILL.

The good thing about being really helpless & in pain is that there are amazing people to take care of you. The first day all I remember was falling asleep & waking to Joe feeding me, icing my face, & basically doing everything for me because my face was so numb & I was too incoherent to do anything. Mom bought me some clam chow & is was sooo yum. 

Anyway, the worst thing isn’t the pain but the nausea from the medicine because of horrible liquid diets. Wah. I want caaaake.

I love what you do to me, I love what I’ve become. I am still the rude, ungrateful little brat I’ve always been, but I’m not afraid to admit that, in a lot of ways, I’m usually wrong, & you’re much more intelligent, patient, and understanding than I am. Seriously, if I can be in an amazing relationship, anyone can, you just have to find the right person.

He’s the first person I’ve never censored myself with. And isn’t that a shame? To feel like we have to cover up parts that make us who we are? Even the bad things? We should be loved for our flaws. I’m happy that he works and appreciates them. Everything that makes me, me.

Over dinner, a close friend who has been a few months pregnant with a good friend of mine was asking for advice. She said she still doesn’t know how to get through to him. I asked about baby names & they haven’t talked about it. Even Joe brought up baby names & I am far from being impregnated anytime soon. [Then, the next time me, my friend, & the bbydaddy were all together, I put him on the spot about it. Haha, fuck it. I don’t care.] But it seems like the worse part is that she was too afraid to express her real emotions to him. She can’t argue with him. She just accepts her fate, like its whatever, & let’s him ruin her day. And I told her, straight up, whatever it is you want to say, SAY IT. If he’s acting like a bitch, tell him. Tell him the shit he does makes you feel minuscule, & that you are the foundation of the relationship. Tell him the shit he does makes you want to leave him.

I told her that if something bothers me, I tell him. Even if I dont, he knows when something is bothering me and wants me to talk. Like, literally forces it out of me & makes a point that if there’s one person I talk to, it better be him. Because he’s going to be one I’ll be spending the next forever with. Mind you, when I complain, I’m usually wrong, and its usually something stupid. But he molds my negative into something positive, and no matter all the fucked up things I say of do, he makes sure that after my bitch mode, I am happy. In her relationship, she makes it real obvious that shit is not going well, but he doesn’t acknowledge it. At all. I leave the second shit gets weak, I don’t give a fuck. It’s like an impulse to me, I can’t control my emotions. I’m like a damn hurricane coming at you.

Anyway, the point is, be you because it makes you who you are. The reason why something great can’t happen between two people is because later down the road, shit you don’t fix or have come to accept has come back to haunt you. Never settle, because what you have come to hate will manifest into your future. Its sad when people can’t get it right before they bring a baby into the world.

I love it when you’re trying to sleep, but failing miserably, only to have your boyfriend think just the opposite. So he rubs your back, kisses you all over, squeezes your body with his, looks at you while your eyes are closed, brushes your hair out of your face, & massages your feet. Then, when you finally open your eyes, still massaging, he says, “Baby, wake up. I made you dinner.”

There’s something about those sweet moments where he does everything so perfectly, not for gratitude, but because he wants to.